How To Know When You Are Ready To Have Kids

Mess Test:  Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.  Place a fishstick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Toy Test:  Obtain a 55 gallon box of lego.  Have a friend spread them all over the house.  Put on a blindfold and walk to the bathroom or kitchen.  Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
Grocery store test:  Borrow 1 or 2 small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop.  Always keep them in site and pay for anything they eat or damage. 
Dressing test:  Obtain 1 large, unhappy, live octopus.  Stuff into a small net bag making sure all the arms stay inside. 
Feeding test:  Obtain a large plastic milk jug.  Fill halfway with water.  Suspend from a ceiling with a cord.  Start the jug swinging.  Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane.  Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Night test:  Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand.  Soak it thoroughly in water.  At 3 P.M. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 P.M.  Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10 P.M.  Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard.  Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4 A.M.  Set alarm for 5 A.M. then get up and make breakfast.  Look cheerful.